


empath v. depression

by lafbaeyette



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: (because they will be together forever and you can't tell me otherwise sry nt sry), College, Comfort, Depression, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 15:58:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17004675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafbaeyette/pseuds/lafbaeyette
Summary: As if relationships weren’t already hard to navigate, the addition of feeling every emotion passing through your significant other somehow doesn’t make the situation any easier. He thought it might, not that he had any experience to go off of, but just from hearing all the guys on the team talk about their girlfriends he thought a little insight might be helpful.Nope.AKA, The One Where Adam's Sad And Caleb's Trying





	empath v. depression

**Author's Note:**

> there's not enough bright sessions fic out there 
> 
> there's definitely not enough caleb/adam fic out there
> 
> so i'm throwing my ring into the hat
> 
> (or the other way around, i never got that expression) 
> 
> ENJOY ADAM BEING SAD AND CALEB TRYING HIS BEST^TM

As if relationships weren’t already hard to navigate, the addition of feeling every emotion passing through your significant other somehow doesn’t make the situation any easier. He thought it might, not that he had any experience to go off of, but just from hearing all the guys on the team talk about their girlfriends he thought a little insight might be helpful.

Nope.

Sure, he could tell when Adam was in a bad mood or when he was having a rough spell. He could feel Adam’s enthusiasm when he started talking about some nerdy shit. He could feel how much Adam loved him when they were together, and he could feel when he’s said something that hit a nerve.

That’s all fine. Well, apart from the weird feeling that he was invading Adam’s privacy. Adam told him often that it was okay, he didn’t... mind, or he was okay with it. Maybe it wasn’t always exactly what he wanted, but he knew it was part of Caleb and he loved every part of Caleb. Even the parts that were kind of weirdly invasive, but also totally awesome from a scientific and science fiction fan standpoint. And he knew Adam wasn’t lying, because he could feel how earnest he was when he said all of that.

But he could also feel the bad stuff, the stuff Adam wished he couldn’t. He could feel Adam’s depression, could feel his lows just as well as he felt his highs. Which helped in terms of not having to guess whether Adam’s just putting on a happy face when he actually needed support.

It didn’t tell him _how_ to support Adam though, and it couldn’t tell him _why_ he felt that way. Well, usually it actually kind of could. He could feel that tinge of loneliness on the edges of Adam’s sadness when they first started talking. He could tell the difference between ‘annoyed at Caleb’ and ‘annoyed at the world’.

But depression really made as much sense to an empath as it did to the person feeling it. And that meant none. Sometimes he could feel things like when Adam was getting down on himself over something, and just the general sadness.

But he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to fix that, or what would make him feel better, or how to reverse the train of thought he could almost guess was going through his boyfriend’s head. Sometimes he wondered what it’d be like if he had Chloe’s ability, if he could actually hear all of the things making Adam feel this way. Maybe then he could prove him wrong, or show him that none of that’s true. Most of the time he was pretty glad he couldn’t because just feeling how bad Adam was feeling was heartbreaking sometimes, could he handle hearing what was making his boyfriend feel that way?

Either way, this wasn’t about him, which was the problem. Or, not a problem, but an issue to some degree. It was about Adam, and about how Adam felt, and about how Caleb wanted to help Adam but didn’t know _how_.

“What’s wrong?”

Caleb looked at Adam in surprise, as if he had forgotten he was there. Of course he hadn’t, not really, because it was Adam’s emotions that sent him down the spiral of thoughts he had spent the past… honestly, he wasn’t sure how long.

“Nothing.”

“I may not have your ability, but I still know that’s bullshit. You’ve been totally spaced out for like, the past five minutes, and you’re starting to do that little scrunchy thing with your eyebrows which means you’re trying to figure something out.”

“Uh, it’s - it’s nothing, Adam, don’t worry.”

Worry was suddenly all he could feel rolling off of his boyfriend, because the second you tell someone not to do something they’re going to do it. That worry quickly switched from being about Caleb to being about himself, Caleb could feel the switch because it became less concerned and more… shameful. The sadness he had felt from Adam before doubled beneath that shame.

“It’s.. me, isn’t it?”

Caleb tried to scoff, but it was choked and half-hearted, and Adam’s shame melted beneath something akin to disappointment. Not in the situation, or in Caleb, but in himself.

“I’m sorry.” Adam started to stand up, searching for his shoes and jacket. “I… I knew today wasn’t a good day to come over, I just - I missed you, but it was selfish. I should’ve stayed away, I’m sorry, I-“

“Hey, hey, Adam, wait.” Caleb shut off the movie they had been watching - well, that had been playing in the background as they were both lost to their own thoughts - and reached for Adam’s hand. A new wave of emotion washed over him, one he couldn’t quite place, and in the same instance he realized that Adam hadn’t turned away to find his things, but to hide the tears welling in his eyes. “Babe, you don’t have to be sorry.”

Anger. Sadness. Fear. Disappointment. They all mingled together in Caleb’s chest, so strong Caleb could hardly tell where his emotions were, and they seemed to only get stronger as he pulled Adam back onto the bed.

“It’s too bad today.”

“It’s... yeah, it’s pretty bad today, I’m not going to lie, but - “

“Fuck. I’m s - “

“I swear to god, if you needlessly apologize to me one more time.” Embarrassment. Shame. “Shit, no, that wasn’t - I’m not upset with you. The only one upset here is you - but that’s okay. I mean, I don’t want you to be upset, obviously, but just because you are doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be here. This is the first time I’ve gotten to see you in, like, months, and I’ve missed you, too. So, like, don’t apologize?”

“You’re really great at this.” Adam’s sarcasm would never take a break, even in his worst moods.

“Look, I already don’t have a lot of practice with this whole… having a boyfriend thing, let alone having a boyfriend with depression.” Adam’s emotions were swinging and swirling around and Caleb frowned. “No, I didn’t - Don’t feel bad, that’s not what I meant, I just - I mean - “

He stopped. Adam’s feelings were always some of the strongest to him, and it rarely bothered him, until moments like this. Moments when he was trying to say or do something, trying to make sense or comfort, but he could hardly wade through the thick pool of emotions pouring out of his boyfriend.

He looked at Adam, who was staring at the floor and even if he couldn’t feel it he could see the hurt on his face. Caleb cupped Adam’s chin in one hand, making the other man lock eyes with him. “I’m not upset, your feelings aren’t bad. Just give me a minute.” And he shut his eyes, dropping his hand and intertwining his fingers with Adam’s instead. He had been trying the mindfulness thing a lot more since going to college, all of those new people and emotions to deal with really did a number on him during his first few weeks. He almost had no choice but to double down on the breathing exercises and the meditation, just to find his own emotions in the mess and let himself figure out how to deal with the rest.

Which is what he did now, focused on his own breathing and tried to pull back from Adam and all of his overlapping, swirling, and spinning feelings of doubt, self-loathing, and sadness. He wasn’t sure how he could help him, but he knew he was going to be useless as long as he was stuck in them. After a moment, he opened his eyes again, gathered his thoughts, and squeezed Adam’s hand.

“I love being with you, even if you’re feeling down like this. I mean, yeah, your depression is kind of strong and I don’t really know how to deal with it or what to do for you, which kind of makes me feel… useless, or whatever, but that doesn’t mean I want you to avoid me just because you’re down.”

“That doesn’t mean I should bring you down with me.” Adam sighed. “Even people that can’t feel what I’m feeling try to not be around me when I’m like this, I can’t imagine what this is doing to you, I’m - “

“ - perfectly valid in your emotions because this is one thing you can’t help? Yeah, you are.”

Adam rolled his eyes, but Caleb didn’t miss how the corner of his mouth jerked up for a split second and there was something lighter starting to brew beneath the dark in his chest.

“Does it bother you that I can feel your emotions?”

Adam hesitated. “I mean, not usually, you know that. I kind of wish you couldn’t in moments like this, but it’s just part of you, I know you can’t help it.”

“Exactly.”

“What?” Adam furrowed his brows, the something lighter was beginning to grow. Or maybe the darkness was beginning to fade.

“I can’t help that I can feel your feelings, and you can’t help the feelings that you have. This… this whole depression thing, it’s literally in your head, it’s your brain and you can’t control your brain - your brain controls you… or something… did any of that make sense?” Adam let out a breath that almost sounded like a laugh. “Look, I’m just trying to say, don’t apologize for being here and don’t feel bad. I mean, worse. I mean - you get it.”

It felt like a weight was slowly lifting off of Caleb, and he could physically see that it was Adam’s. His lips curved up into a small smile, he sat up a little straighter rather than hunching over on himself. That lightness started seeping through the cracks of the dark.

“You love me even though I’m atypical - “

“And you love me despite my broken brain?”

“I love you _and_ your broken brain.” Caleb pulled Adam closer, and the other moved willingly into his arms. “Could you imagine if you were neurotypical? First of all, we never would have started talking. Secondly, if _this_ is how smart you are with a ‘broken’ brain, I would’ve been too damn intimidated to even look at you.”

“You’re such a dumbass.”

“Exactly! You’re already too good for me, you’d probably be with some… I don’t know, rocket scientist or something. I’m still surprised _you_ settled for a dumb jock, an even smarter Adam never would have.”

“An even smarter Adam sounds pretty dumb when you put it that way.” Adam laughed, an actual Adam laugh, as Caleb kissed his forehead. The weight of darkness was still there, it was always there in some form, but at least it had some love and light to rival it now.

Caleb still wished sometimes that he could just fix it for him, that he could take all of it away and just let Adam feel happy and light and full of love. But that wasn’t possible, and they both knew that. 

Being able to feel Adam’s emotions never gave him the answer to how to help, at least not yet. Sometimes with his dad, because he had felt them for so long, he could tell what would be best. Maybe someday he would reach that point with Adam, but for now, sometimes he just needed to ask. Because Adam would tell him, maybe not outright, but the only way to get a semblance of an answer was to ask.

****Adam would always have this battle in his head and his heart, so the least Caleb could do was be an ally and help in the fight. If that meant dedicating time to just holding Adam and reminding him how amazing he is, he could do that.

That, at least, he was good at.


End file.
